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Are you or your partner struggling with
an addiction to porn? Are you looking for a way to understand just what the heck is going on?
We may not have all the answers but my husband and I have found a way to understand both
sides of the issue that not only led to understanding ourselves better but also generated a
lot of compassion along the way. Interested?
I was bewildered as I frantically searched the Internet for answers
to why my husband was looking at so much porn and why I felt so badly about it. I found lots of
advice about what he should do (get help, take a walk, get a hobby) and what I should do (leave
him, don't tolerate it, relax its natural), but I found nothing that could help me see him and
myself fully and in a way that kept our humanity intact...until I discovered a process developed by
Marshall Rosenberg PhD. To put it simply, he says that everything we do is motivated by
needs.
Needs are our deeply held values, like intimacy, choice, or freedom
to name just a few. We all share the same basic needs although we each put more importance on some
than others. For example, intimacy may be high on my list of needs whereas for someone else it
might be freedom.
This understanding was our light bulb moment. If Garry could see
that his looking at porn was an attempt to meet needs, he could see more clearly what he was after
instead of unconsciously doing something over and over again without connecting to why he was doing
it. We found that once he could see what he was after, he would have more choice about the ways in
which he got those needs met. And, once he saw what needs he was trying to meet with porn, he could
identify what needs didn't get met with porn.
Pretty much the same principle applied to me with a little twist.
My hurt and anger came from needs that weren't being met. So if I could identify what those needs
were then I would be able to present them to Garry with clarity that there were specific needs that
didn't get met for me when he looked at porn. Once he could hear the needs behind my pain without
feeling judged of blamed, it helped him to understand where I was coming from in a whole new
light.
Here's a sample of what I'm talking about, but remember this is
only one need out of many. Two of the important needs Garry was trying to meet with porn were
intimacy and safety. For most of his life he was terrified of relationships because it meant that
he could get hurt. In the world of porn he could be in any relationship he wanted, have complete
control of his life, and not worry about the pain part. It was a world where he could have intimacy
and be safe at the same time. Once he could identify the need and share that with me, my compassion
began to flow and my heart softened towards him because I too could relate to wanting that kind of
intimacy and safety.
In fact, ironically, they were the very needs that were not being
met for me by his looking at porn. I wanted a relationship where we could communicate our fears to
each other and make room for the vulnerability. Once I could see what my anguish was trying to tell
me, I could tell Garry what it was I wanted in a clear way instead of just making him wrong for
doing what he was doing.
Once we could see what needs we were trying to meet with our
behaviors we could then have a whole different conversation, one that had us taking actions that
would help us to both meet our needs for intimacy. Seeing what we were after gave us the
opportunity to find new strategies that would help us to meet our needs in a more life serving way.
I hope it can help you as well!
Garry and Victoria Prater are the authors of Love and Pornography - Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship. In Love
and Pornography, they chronicle the emotionally wrenching process of coming to terms with a
loved one's use of porn. It's a story of conflict, confrontation and mutual self-discovery: from
the brink of breakup to a deeper understanding of both side's needs and a rich, loving
relationship. For more information, please visit: http://gethelpwithporn.com/
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