Find Out if You Are a Domestic Tyrant, by Answering These
Questions
1) Do you insist on rigid timekeeping at home and when planning trips and events with your
partner?
2) Do you pay lip services to doing something your partner's way when inside you know you'll
do it your way in any case?
3) Do you lose your temper when he doesn't listen to exactly how you want something done?
4) Do you get angry with him because you're constantly repeating the same requests?
5) Do you feel your partner should try harder to meet high standards?
6) Is being "right" important to you in your relationship?
7) Do you find minor disagreements often escalate onto full scale arguments because you can't let
go of something?
8) Do you find it hard to relax with your partner after a day at work?
9) Does your partner often complain that you criticise him to much?
10)Do you sometimes catch yourself loathing him because he seems so inept about getting things
done?
Scores
1-3 answers. Your controlling ways could become a problem
4+ yes answers. Your relation is at risk of being damages by your need for control
Danger! If you answer yes to the last question, this indicates potential serious trouble for your
relationship
In the first flush of love. You find his quirky ways
charming; a few months later he has to do thing your way. Although at the start of a relationship
the control freak may be willing to compromise, the ingrained habit to do things “our way”
eventually wins through. We end up controlling our relationships in a way that mirrors our
work.
Another quality that control freaks share is very
high expectations of our own behaviour and choices, and a keen sense that we’re being judged on
these. Perhaps this due to having felt judged in our careers. We end up with a personal “brand”
that we don’t want tarnished by a partner who in our view doesn’t uphold our high standards. But
men don’t want to feel like part of a “brand” or a work in progress; it’s incredibly undermining
and emasculating.
If you find yourself getting your teeth over how
your partner does his share of the chores, what TV he allows your children to watch, or even how he
dresses. I’ve got news for you: the trouble could lie with you. Ask yourself, “Have I morphed from
an easy-going girlfriend to a control freak?
Women of previous generations may have felt their
home was their domain to control as housekeeper, but they also respected the fact that their
husbands had their own areas of authority, for example, being the main breadwinner and sorting out
financial issues. A healthy regard existed for each other’s territory.
Nowadays women have so much more authority in the
workplace, which in principle is a good thing, but throw in our natural ability to juggle several
balls at once, plus the pressure we are under from the media to “have it all” (which translate as
“doing it all”) and the result is that we’re setting ourselves increasingly high standards, which
permeate our whole lives. If we then find it hard to let go of the reins in our relationship, our
behaviour starts to acquire a hard, shrewish element.
In contemporary relationships, what many men find is
that the capable career woman they so admire comes home from work and transforms into the Mistress
of Harridan Hall, uncompromising in her demands. Rather than leaving our controlling side at work,
we start barking instructions and expect him to obey us instantly, the effect of which is
frustration and a complete deadening of romantic feelings.
Few men put up with a control freak for long.
Many will end a relationship because it’s so demoralising to be consistently belittled. Others
manage to develop a precarious coexistence, clowning out a bit of territory for themselves by
hanging on to one area (such as maintaining the car) as their responsibility. But this becomes a
vicious cycle, with both partners defending their turf.
In order to save your
relationship we recommend
Living with a control freak is a challenge, but not
an insurmountable one.
I’ve known many controlling women who came to
realise that they’re not actually slipping back into a submissive role if they let go of certain
levels of expectation in their relationship and simply are kinder to their partner over the way he
does things.
Realising that a partner is not like their adversary
at work is a positive change. Instead of controlling every last detail, which is stressful and
exhausting, the woman can rediscover how enjoyable it feels to rely on someone else for a change,
to let him cook dinner his way, or book film or theatre tickets.
And men will relish having some decisions left to
them and being able to feel they have an equal stake in the relationship.
Learn to let go
*Practise visualisation techniques to imagine
leaving your controlling nature at the office and locking the door behind you. Visualise your home
life as a sealed bubble completely separate from work.
*If you fear that things will spin out of control unless you keep on top of them, try to identify
thoughts that provoke this anxiety, and challenge any that are unrealistic.
*Think before you speak. You need to break the habit of challenging and criticising what you see as
your partner’s laxness.
* Make it a habit to seek your partner’s opinions and ideas. You may not agree with him, but show
him enough respect to sound him out.
* At least once a week, relinquish control over one thing at work and one at home. Delegate it and
then put it out of your mind.
* Invent a new, relaxed mantra for your life, something like, “the world won’t stop if I don’t get
my way” Repeat it every day and whenever you feel yourself getting worked up over something
trivial.
* Most important of all, let him knows you’re trying to change your controlling ways and enlist his
support in helping you to do it.
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